Let's Talk About SEX

Themes Expounded (Download PDF Version>>)

God's design/purpose for sex-

God is the Creator of man, woman, and yes, sex. God created Eve, one woman, for Adam, one man. When they first met each other they "were both naked and were not ashamed,"1 and they were husband and wife. In this marriage, they were "joined" to each other and in this joining they became "one flesh."2 They had sex, and it was good! "He invented sex; it was His idea. And let's not forget that after He finished His work, He called the whole creation "good." Dazzled by His handiwork, Christianity espouses a higher view of sex than any other religion. That's why it also has the strictest rules about it. Anything so important has to be handled carefully."3

The scriptures talk about sexuality often, and despite popular belief, speaks quite highly of it when it is properly expressed within the intended boundaries. This boundary is marriage, and "marriage is to be held in honor among all, and the marriage bed is to be undefiled; for fornicators and adulterers God will judge."4 So, when all is said, done, and accounted for, God designed the act of sex for three purposes: procreation, unity between a husband and wife, and unity between that couple and God.

After God flooded the earth in Genesis, He repeatedly tells Noah and his family, in chapter 9, to "be fruitful and multiply." God instructs them to have children and fill the earth. The only way it is possible to have a baby, at least back then, was for a man to have sexual relations with a woman. So, God commanded the men to have sex with their wives. Sex is a valuable and important physical act that gives us the opportunity to bring new life into the world, and this new life is a blessing from God.

Sex is not only for making a baby, but it is also the physical manifestation and expression of a love shared between a husband and a wife. Sex is an awesome and enjoyable experience that helps all that a man is, and all that a woman is, combine together to form one. It strengthens and energizes the marriage relationship. Proverbs speaks bluntly about the ecstasy and satisfaction that can be found in sexuality between a husband and his wife. "And rejoice in the wife of your youth. As a loving hind and a graceful doe, let her breasts satisfy you at all times; be exhilarated always with her love."5 Sex within marriage is one of the greatest pleasures and joys a man and woman can enjoy in life. In fact, some say that when a husband and wife engage in sex, then they are actually getting a brief glimpse at the immense pleasure that awaits us in heaven.

Ephesians 5 is one of the greatest chapters in the Bible for laying out a picture of what an ideal marriage should look like. The relationship between a husband and his wife should mimic the relationship between Christ and His church. That means that the wife is to submit selflessly to her husband, and the husband is to lead and provide selflessly for his wife. True love is exemplified through the act of dying to self. So the act of sex should be a selfless giving of oneself to the other, and by doing this, God is glorified. In fact, if we take the picture Ephesians 5 paints for us even further, it is quite possible to come to the conclusion that the ritualistic act of sex in marriage is equivalent to an act of worship. God takes pleasure in us enjoying his creation in proper context. Therefore, when men and women enter into the commitment of marriage and "make love," God is glorified.

Marriage/Commitment-

One of the first commands God gives mankind can be found in chapter 2 of Genesis, verse 24. "For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother, and be joined to his wife; and they shall become one flesh." Marriage is a commitment that one individual makes to another of the opposite sex, and it has been ever since the institution was first established with the joining of Adam and Eve. It is a commitment to love, to serve, and to be faithful. This commitment is for life, and God does not take it lightly.

The purpose of marriage is primarily for help. Life is tough on your own. Even when life was good and free from sin for Adam in the Garden of Eden, God noted that "it is not good for man to be alone."6 That spurred Him to create a "suitable helper" for man, which is woman. Ephesians 5:23 states, "for the husband is head of the wife, as Christ also is head over the church," meaning that whenever a man and woman enter into the commitment of marriage, they get to experience firsthand the relationship that Christ has with His church. It is a blessing for a husband to know selfless and undying love for his wife. It is a blessing for the wife to experience a love that drives her to serve her husband. Marriage is one of the greatest gifts God has given mankind.
Though marriage is a must for most individuals, Paul does note in I Corinthians 7 that if unmarried individuals are able to remain single and free from lustful passions it is good. These people can then devote themselves fully to God and his calling in their lives without having to be mindful of a husband, wife, or child depending on them. They can wander freely wherever God leads, just as Paul did many years ago. These individuals are few and far between though, so for everyone else, we are called to find our husband or wife and commit to him or her for life.

Integrity/Respect-

Integrity is one of the most important and appealing qualities an individual can posses. In fact, Proverbs says that the trait is even better than riches.7 Integrity is the quality of holding firm to and exemplifying high morals and ethics at all times. God calls all of us to live a life of integrity, which doesn't just mean to do what is right, but to do what is right even when no one is looking. Living a life of integrity presents quite the challenge, and that is why the value of respect is so vital. If one has genuine respect for him/herself, as well as having respect for others, then doing right becomes the easier and more natural choice.
It is important to exemplify integrity in all aspects of life, but one area that is extremely vital to the Christian walk is in sexuality. To have sexual integrity is to have respect for your whole body, your whole self, and others. Sex is everywhere, and it drives culture. If a person exemplifies sexual integrity, then that person can handle him/herself in today's sexually charged climate. We are all on this earth to glorify God, and one of the best ways to do that is to follow the great advice of James and "keep oneself unstained by the world."8

Purity-

All of mankind, past and present, has been placed here on earth, by God, under different circumstances, in different locales, and with varying abilities, but one purpose unites us all: to glorify our Almighty God. This purpose stretches back from when Adam took his first breath, and it will continue on forever into eternity. If we are called to glorify God with our lives, then we should hold who we are and what we do in the highest regard and respect. This is where purity steps in.

To be pure is to be free from any blemish or contaminant. Purity is a state of being that all individuals must choose if they want to truly honor God with their lives. No one in their right mind would drink a glass of the world's best lemonade if you knew that mixed in is a couple of drops of urine. No way! So, why do we try to present ourselves to God as an offering when we are not 100% pure? God could care less about empty, halfhearted, and "worthless offerings."9
"For this is the will of God, your sanctification: that you abstain from sexual immorality; that each one of you know how to control his own body in holiness and honor, not in the passion of lust like the Gentiles who do not know God."10 Purity is God's will in our lives because when we offer ourselves to God as sanctified individuals, we are truly glorifying Him. Purity is not easy to attain in our feeble fleshly bodies, but this is why it is so utterly important for us to consistently stay in the Word11 and fervently pray for one another.12 Purity is worth the battle.

Modesty-

Modesty is a word that many men and women, Christian or not, shudder at. It often brings to mind pictures of women with ugly floral-patterned dresses that show no skin and drape over shapeless bodies. We think of guys with bow ties, black pleated pants, and carefully combed hair. We think of no make-up, minimal jewelry, no body piercings, tattoo-less skin, and on and on. This is so wrong. To be modest is to be proper in the way we talk, act, and present ourselves. It's a package deal, and it is less extreme and more important than we often give it credit.

"For the Lord does not see as man sees; for man looks at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart."13 Mankind tends to put a lot of focus and importance on the way we dress and present ourselves to the public eye. God looks right past that and looks at the heart. So, if God doesn't look at our outward appearance, and instead focuses elsewhere, why should it matter how we present ourselves?

The answer is simple; our outward appearance should reflect our inside, but that doesn't mean we should all renounce name brand clothing and only dress like men and women of the cloth. What it means is that we need to find a healthy balance inside what the world tells us to look like. We are still called to be salt14 and light15. We are to be in the world and a part of its culture, but not to get wrapped up in worldliness. So shop at Hollister or Forever 21, or wherever you choose, but choose your clothes appropriately. Get piercings and tattoos if you so choose, but make sure you are getting them for pure reasons.
To help, here are some guidelines to go by when desiring to walk out a life of modesty:

1. Ask yourself why you are wearing what you are wearing? If it is for attention, shock, or popularity, you are choosing your look for the wrong reason.
2. Does what you wear on the outside reflect who you are on the inside? The way we look, advertises to the world the type of person we are.
3. Does the way you present yourself help or hinder your walk with Christ and your evangelizing to others?
4. Last, but most importantly, does your clothing and/or the ways you present yourself cause others to stumble?16 Ladies, are you wearing clothes that draws men's eyes to private places? If so, you are causing your fellow brothers in Christ to sin.17

Protecting Oneself-

If we, as Christians, desire to live out sexual integrity and purity, we must find ways to protect ourselves from the trappings of the devil. "Be self-controlled and alert. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour."18 Don't kid yourself; Satan is out there looking for ways to lead us astray from our God. This is why it is important for you to set boundaries based upon integrity, purity, and modesty, and then uphold those boundaries at all cost.

The bible lists a bunch of different tools that we can use in our battle against the flesh.19

1. Fear the Lord.20 This fear is a reverential fear, an attitude of respect. If we have this level of respect for our God, then it is easier to make the right decisions, just as it is easier to do what your parents say when you have respect for them. After all, the rules given to us by God are for our own benefit.
2. Be humble and rely upon God, for "pride comes before the fall."21 We cannot live a life free from the desires of the flesh, and the only way we can combat these desires is by relying upon God and His almighty strength.22 Where are your eyes focused?
3. God's word provides us with the necessary wisdom and Truth to live a pure life of integrity.23 The Bible guides us through this dark world.24
4. Don't put yourself in compromising situations. For example, if you know you struggle with keeping you and your boyfriend/girlfriend's physical relationship in check, then always group date. Or you can date in public places where you won't be tempted. Don't find yourselves alone and in the dark. If you struggle with lust, don't surf the internet or premium television channels when you are home alone. Don't let your eyes wander to your classmate's backside when she bends over to pick something up. Be on alert at all times.25
5. Spend time with people and media that support and uphold your values and boundaries.26 If you are spending all your time listening to music that degrades women and speaks explicitly about sex, and then hang out with friends that talk about what they did with him or her after the party last weekend, it is going to be difficult to meditate on and do what is right.27 All of that often ends up rubbing of on you and your decisions.
6. Don't lie to yourself. Acknowledge areas of sin and weakness in your life, confess it all to God, and then you can move on.28 You can't battle an enemy if you don't first figure out who your enemy is. For example, you can't fight your addiction to pornography until you first acknowledge that you have a problem in the first place. Once you identify your problem, or enemy, then you can begin to take the steps to conquer it.

Negative Influences (Peers, Friends, Media, ect.)-

There are a lot of influences in our lives, and all these things help shape the way we think, speak, and behave. Peers at school or work look to each other for validation in popularity. Friends share common grounds and challenge each other to broaden their likes and dislikes. The media shows the public what to buy and what is "cool" or popular. All these things can influence us in a positive and/or negative manner. No matter how good you are, you will never be able to fully escape negative influences in your life. So, how do we make sure that we are immune to negative influences?

We must try to wisely pick and choose what we surround ourselves with on a daily basis. The average teenager spends 2,000 hours with their parents, 11,000 hours at school, and an astronomical 40,000 hours in the media. You don't get to pick who your parents are and whether they are good or bad role models. You don't get to decide what teacher you have for math or what classmates you will be in class with. However, we do, for the most part, have the option of choosing what media we partake in. Will I listen to this, watch that, click on this, ect? If you immerse yourself into media that praises worldliness, sex, violence, and any other immorality, all of that will affect you if you're not careful. Those images and words often become stuck in your head. It is not all harmless entertainment. The media helps shape who we are.

The Bible reminds it's readers countless times that a fool entertains the company of the wicked29, and a wise man stays immersed in things that are pleasing to God.30 We are all products of our environments. This is why it is so vital to spend time in God's word31 and in prayer.32 This is why it is so important to spend time with other believers who support your desire to be a person of purity and integrity. This is why it is so important to meditate on the things of God. The positive influences must outnumber the negative ones in your life!

Relationships (Friends and Dating)-

Healthy relationships are vital to live out a life of meaning. Everyone needs friends, individuals that you can trust and walk through life with. In order to create a healthy and meaningful friendship, the individual parties involved need to establish important qualities such as trust, communication, unselfishness, honesty, dependability, respect, and care in their relationship. These traits need to be valued and evident within in order to develop a strong and healthy bond. The friendships that display such qualities usually can stand the test of time and trial.

The same values that are so important to friendships are just as equally so when it comes to love and romance. Wouldn't it make sense to look for all the before mentioned qualities in a girlfriend/boyfriend, and later, a husband/wife. No one wants a significant other that does not possess trust, loyalty, or honesty because the relationship will be found wanting.

Though Christians tend to leave this out of the equation all too often, physical attraction is also needed to make a relationship work. No one wants to date or marry someone they find physically appalling. After the initial attraction between the man and woman, it usually works best for the two to start out simply as friends. This way they can get to know each other in a less pressured way. They can develop all the traits that are necessary for a healthy and committed relationship without all the mushy stuff causing distraction. Then, when they decide to take their relationship to the next level and become an exclusive couple, they already have an intimate connection. They already have the tools necessary to keep their relationship strong and running smoothly. So, instead of spending time struggling through issues and learning each other's ins and outs, they can spend more time enjoying the fruits of their strong relationship.

Lust/Pornography-

Our culture is fully immersed in sex. It is everywhere. You can't get away from it no matter how hard you try. Sex plays a pivotal role in life as well as death. To lust is to have intense and unbridled sexual desire, and it is a more serious sin than we often give it credit for. "But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman (or man) lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his (her) heart."33 When it comes to sex, it's not good enough to only look and not touch. Just looking can be a sin. The first look is not a sin. Our eyes are naturally drawn to the human body, so if someone bends over in front of you, a quick unintentional glance is not sinful. Sin comes into play when you take that second glimpse, or you allow yourself that prolonged stare, or when that lustful thought comes to mind. This is hard to keep from doing, and it is why we must immerse ourselves in the Spirit of God and keep ourselves on our toes.
Lust is a serious offense according to God's word. It is placed on the same level as adultery, which is having sex with someone that is not yours to have sex with. Every time you look at that girl bare it all on the computer, every time you stare at that male vampire flexing his chiseled abs, every time your eyes glance again and again at those long legs and cleavage at the mall; you are lusting, and lust is a sin.

Just like any other sin, lust has its consequences. When you lust, you are sexually stimulated and that stimulation is addicting. You want to do it more, and more, and more. It must be treated as harmful as any other addicting substance. Romans 13:14 commands us to "make no provision for the flesh." That means we need to make a conscious effort to protect ourselves and keep ourselves pure, and those times when we are faced with the temptation, we must remember to "take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ."34 Remember, that man or woman that you are taking advantage of by means of lust is some other man or woman's wife or husband, future or present.

Pornography is a thriving business. It makes more revenue each year than the MLB, NBA, and NFL combined. Why is this taboo institution prospering so heartily? Porn is an addictive form of sexual fantasy that provides escapism, instant gratification, and momentary pleasure. Additionally, porn stimulates the brain, initiating a release of neurochemicals that cause you become addicted, leaving you wanting more and more. It hooks people and makes them go from picture to picture, video to video, site to site. It is engrossing, and it negatively affects all that participate. It physically affects brain development, it drives individuals to perversities, it skews thoughts on what sex is, and more. "Can a man scoop fire into his lap without his clothes being burned?"35 The obvious answer is no, and the same goes for entertaining pornography and the lust that goes with it.

The Importance of the Brain-

The human brain is an amazing example of how almighty and intelligent our God and Creator is. Our brain is much more than some wrinkly grey lump of goo floating in between our ears. Our brain helps us to think and philosophize, while simultaneously directing our body's limbs and organs. We don't have to think in order to breathe or to execute each chew of our meal. Instead, our brain tells our body to do that automatically for us. Our brain is the most important organ in the human body, and in being so, it is also the most important sex organ in the human body as well.

Did you know that you can have sex without taking your clothes off? Even without human-to-human contact? Jesus says in Matthew 5:28 that "anyone who looks at a woman (or man) lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his (her) heart." To engage in adultery is to have sex with someone that is not your husband or wife. So you can commit adultery just by looking upon someone with lust. All it takes is an impure thought. This is just one of the reasons the brain plays such a pivotal role in sexuality.

When a human is sexually stimulated, the brain releases a powerful and addicting chemical called vasopressin in males and oxytocin in females. Additionally, it also releases dopamine, the same feel-good chemical that can be induced through taking risks or doing drugs. These two chemicals together cause the individuals engaged in the sexual activity to bond to the subject of their stimulation, as well as cause the individuals to produce an addiction to the feeling and behavior. Sex and its chemical partners were created by God to strengthen the relational bond of marriage. Thus, when sex is experienced outside of its intended intention, it can have sizeable negative consequences on the parties involved.

Sex is a healthy and stimulating activity for the brain when it experienced within a healthy and committed marriage. It reinforces the relational bonds between the husband and wife, helping them to grow closer to one another and God. The brain is the most important factor in sexuality, and we need to remember to treat it that way.

God's Desire for Our Good-

In the beginning of all things, when God began creating the Universe, he always took time to sit back marveling at the beauty of His creation, seeing that it all "was very good."36 He gave the first man, Adam, a luscious garden with all the fresh and juicy fruit and vegetables he could eat. Additionally, God saw that "It is not good for the man to be alone," so He made Adam a woman (a naked woman) to enjoy the company of (in more than one way). God desired for Adam and Eve to live harmoniously on the earth, have fun, and enjoy a life in communion with Him. But, mankind's pride and curiosity in sin screwed things up when Adam and Eve failed to resist Satan's temptation to eat the forbidden fruit. God's desire for us includes our good. If this wasn't true, I am pretty sure He wouldn't have sent His own innocent son to earth in order to violently suffer and die on a cross for our sins.

God created sex, and He intended for it to be enjoyed. Christians do a bad job of making this clear. It is all to often labeled as a taboo subject that should only be discussed when the curiosities of prepubescents rear their ugly little heads. Parents then, in desperation, misinform their children with facts that paint sex in a bad light. In fact, it isn't hard to find kids that squirm and blush when the "bad" word "sex" is uttered. Sex is absolutely 100% good and ridiculously amazing when experienced within God's intended context.

"Although there is plenty of bad in the contemporary sexual scene, it's clear that we're forgetting something. The only way to get something bad is to take something good and spoil it. Whenever you find a bad thing, look for a good thing somewhere in the ruins… The Bible calls God the Creator. He invented sex; it was His idea. And let's not forget that after He finished His work, He called the whole creation "good." Dazzled by His handiwork, Christianity espouses a higher view of sex than any other religion. That's why it also has the strictest rules about it. Anything so important has to be handled carefully."37
God created man and woman to enjoy their Creator, but also to enjoy each other. Sex is the greatest gift he gave mankind in order to flesh this enjoyment out. Again, sex is good, not bad. But, like any other good thing, sex has to be experienced within its originally established boundary in order for it to be good: a healthy and committed marriage. If sex is experienced outside of this boundary, the couple will be experiencing a corrupted version of what once was good. That is why sexual relations outside of marriage always end up handcuffed to countless negative consequences. God has a real deep desire for our good, and he has provided us all the blueprints to achieve it, but we just have to use and follow them for them to work.

True Love-

Love is a word that has lost its luster in modern society. We can say we love cheeseburgers, Robert Downey Jr.'s latest movie, and our husband or wife all in the same sentence and not think twice about it. But come on, do we really love "two all beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles, onions on a sesame seed bun" as much as your significant other? No. So, what is the difference?

The most famous biblical verse, describing love is I Corinthians 13:4-7.
"Love is patient, love is kind and is not jealous; love does not brag and is not arrogant, does not act unbecomingly; it does not seek its own, is not provoked, does not take into account a wrong suffered, does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things."

That is a long checklist for what love is, and it is wonderful, but how about a shorter definition of what true love is. "Greater love has no one than this, that one lay down his life for his friends."38 True love is death. It is dying to self and putting the other person first. If you truly love a person, that means that you care for him or her more than yourself, and you would quickly offer up your wants, needs, or even if the situation calls for it, your life, for the good of that individual.
Sex is the physical manifestation and expression of the love that is shared between a husband and a wife. Sex is the giving of everything that you are to your partner. In fact, this giving of you to your husband or wife is a command; "The wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does; and likewise also the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does. Stop depriving one another."39 You cannot have great sex, the way God intended it to be, outside of a healthy and committed marriage, and all marriages that fit this description are full with an abundance of sacrificial love. This type of love takes a lot of work.

Secondary Abstinence/Grace-

What is the point in abstinence if I have already had sex in the past? It is too late for me, right?
"Sex was always a given and usually happened the first or second time we were together. I didn't care anymore. I felt dead inside and thought this is just the way it is… I felt lost and hurt." -Julie, 2740

"I was so drunk the first that I don't really remember it. But now that my virginity is gone, it doesn't make any sense not to have sex. I've already done it, so I might as well have fun." -Susan, 1941

Whether you are a goody two-shoe spotless Christian, or a full-blown heathen, we are all sinners. Thankfully, Christ died for all our sins past, present, and future and we can now life under the umbrella of grace. Even though we are now "saved" from the eternal consequences of our sins, we will still screw up in the here-and-now. That doesn't mean that we carelessly throw caution to the wind and do whatever we want. It means that we battle our sinful nature on a daily basis, renew our minds42, and try and live a life that is glorifying to our Creator.

So, if you have had sex in the past, or if you have been involved with any other sexual immorality (lust, porn, oral sex, ect.) it is not too late to turn your life around. In fact, we are called to stop our harmful behaviors, and turn back to God, just like the prodigal son.43 To live out secondary abstinence is to stop your harmful sexual behaviors, and to now live in a way that demonstrates respect for yourself, your body, and for others. If you ever find yourself astray from God and his commands, run back to Him, and I guarantee you will be greeted by the open loving arms of the Father.

Footnotes

1. Genesis 2:25
2. Genesis 2:24
3. http://www.pureintimacy.org/piArticles/A000000642.cfm
4. Hebrews 13:4
5. Proverbs 5:18-19
6. Genesis 2:18
7. Proverbs 19:1
8. James 1:27
9. Isaiah 1:10-17
10. 1 Thessalonians 4:3-5
11. Psalm 119:9
12. Hebrews 13:18
13. 1 Samuel 16:7
14. Matthew 5:13
15. Matthew 5:14
16. Romans 14:13
17. Matthew 5:27-28
18. 1 Peter 5:8
19. 1 Peter 2:11
20. Proverbs 14:27
21. 1 Corinthians 10:12, Proverbs 16:18
22. 1 John 4:4
23. Psalm 119:11
24. Psalm 119:105
25. 2 Corinthians 10:5
26. Philippians 4:8
27. Proverbs 4:14-15, 1 Corinthians 15:33
28. Proverbs 28:13
29. Proverbs 13:20, 1 Corinthians 15:33
30. Philippians 4:8
31. Psalm 119:9
32. Philippians 4:6
33. Matthew 5:28
34. 2 Corinthians 10:5
35. Proverbs 6:27
36. Genesis 1:31
37. http://www.pureintimacy.org/piArticles/A000000642.cfm
38. John 15:13
39. 1 Corinthians 7:3-5
40. Hooked by Joe S. Mcilhaney Jr. MD and Freda Mckissic Bush, MD
41. Hooked by Joe S. Mcilhaney Jr. MD and Freda Mckissic Bush, MD
42. Romans 12:1-2
43. Luke 15:11-32