Let's Talk About SEX

Discussion Questions (Download PDF Version>>)

Part 1

1. What do we normally define sex as? Is this definition correct? If not, what is sex then?

When we hear the word sex, we typically think of it is intercourse only (when a man loves a woman, the birds and the bees, making a baby, ect.) Intercourse is only one part of sex as a whole. Sex is more than just intercourse; it is any activity that produces sexual stimulation. This includes lust, porn, passionately making out, bumping and grinding, ect. Sex is a very broad subject that covers many areas of our lives and has a whole lot of influence on society. Sex is not just intercourse.

2. How does the truth about what sex is differ from what we normally hear, see, and think?

There are many rumors about what sex is and isn't. We hear one thing at church, another from our parents, another from school, another from TV, and even more from our friends. This is why sex or sexual activity is often deemed as a "gray area." You might hear people say that there is no one right answer, or let's just agree to disagree, or just do what feels right. The truth is that God has clearly lined out a picture of what sex is, and some guidelines that can help us achieve His design and purpose in it. It is important to tune out the many voices we hear everyday, and instead tune into what God is saying concerning the subject. Society often looks at sex as something that is for self-gratification. The reality is that God has created sex as something that pleases mankind as well as glorifies him. It is something that goes way beyond us and our pleasure.

3. What misconceptions does society hold concerning the commitment of abstinence? How are they wrong?

Abstinence is viewed differently among different people and, unfortunately, those views are often misconstrued. Let's set the record straight. Abstinence is a boundary for our sexuality; saving it for where it was created to be experienced in it's fullest, marriage. Abstinence is not waiting to have sex until you are ready… no one is ready for sex until they are married. Marriage is the only place one can experience true satisfying and safe sex.
Abstinence is often associated with religious nuts or goody two-shoes, but reality is that 54% of high school teens have never had sex. Those are the lucky ones, because out of the ones that are having sex, 25% will get an STD and 1 in 6 of those will get an incurable STD. That's not even mentioning the risk of pregnancy (31% of girls will get pregnant before the age of 20.)
Abstinence is the only choice available for those that want to live a life free of sexual baggage, and EVERY time you have sex outside of marriage you WILL accumulate baggage. You would be hard-pressed to find any adult that would say that he/she wishes he/she could go back to high school and have more sex, experiment more, invest more money and time in boyfriends and girlfriends, ect. Instead, you can easily find a handful of adults that would tell you, "I wish I wouldn't have dated him" or "I wish I would have waited for my wife instead of giving myself to all those girls that I don't care about anymore." Abstinence saves you from guilt and regrets that many unfortunately have to deal with later on in life. In the end, sexual abstinence is a wise decision that improves the quality of your life.

4. What are some protective measures or boundaries that you need to set up in your life in order to best equip you to live a life of sexual integrity? (Religious participation, Friends, Media, Dating, Activities, ect.)

This is a personal decision everyone needs to make for themselves. In order to live a life of sexual integrity, we all need to set boundaries and make a plan. You might need to participate in more church activities and make more friends and acquaintances that share your personal convictions. You might need to make a change in the friends you spend time with (if they are always talking about sex, where do you think you're mind and mouth will go?) You might need to stop watching certain movies or stay away from particular web sites (it's a lot harder to look at that cute girl in the school halls innocently when you saw a bunch of girls ripping off their tops the night before.) You might need to set boundaries with your boyfriend or girlfriend and then protect them by staying out of compromising situations (you might want to avoid finding yourselves and the boy you're head-over-heals for in a dark place with no one else around.) The most important thing you can do, though, is to be in God's word and pray. These two things always yield fruit in our lives and help us accomplish the hardest of tasks.

5. Many people struggle with lust, whether they just have wandering eyes or they are addicted to porn. How can we battle and overcome lust? Is lust even that big of a deal?

Lust is a bigger deal than we give it credit. When we are sexually stimulated, chemicals are released in our brains that cause the individual to feel good, attach or bond to the subject of stimulation, and make us crave more. One outlet for lust that has become an epidemic in our society is pornography. Porn alters people's views of sexuality and perverts the holy intention of sex that was created by God. Jesus himself even equated lust with having sex with another man's wife. Just an impure sexual thought equals adultery (Matt 5:28.) Lust is a very big deal.
So how in the world do we battle a sinful habit that comes so naturally to most? "How can a young man keep his way pure? By keeping it according to Your word." Psalm 119:9 has a fairly simple answer, and that is to get in God's word, digest it, and use it for your benefit. God gives us instructions and encouragements that help us battle our sinful nature on a daily basis. Secondly, we need to be in prayer. In Chapter 6 of Matthew, Jesus instructs us how to pray, and in the prayer he specifically requests that God does not "lead us into temptation, but deliver us from evil." We need to rely on the power of Christ to conquer temptation. Lastly, surround yourself with godly brothers or sisters in Christ that can keep you accountable. Just as Adam needed a partner, we all need other people that we can rely upon to help us on our journey. God did not intend mankind to stand in this life on his/her own.

6. Why is accountability so essential in living out a life of sexual integrity?

"Two are better than one because they have a good return for their labor. For if either of them falls, the one will lift up his companion. But woe to the one who falls when there is not another to lift him up. Furthermore, if two lie down together they keep warm, but how can one be warm alone? And if one can overpower him who is alone, two can resist him. A cord of three strands is not quickly torn apart." This message in chapter 4 of Ecclesiastes clearly tells us that we are not to make it through life on our own. We are stronger when we are supported by companions. If you have a man or woman constantly encouraging you to further your walk in Christ, it will be exponentially easier for you to live the life we are all called.
Simon Peter, one of Jesus' 12 disciples, was a man of action when he was in the midst of his friends and fellow disciples. Even when a mob gathered to arrest Jesus, Simon Peter reacted by drawing his sword and cutting off a man's ear. He was ready to charge Hell itself while surrounded by others who shared in and supported his cause. But, just a little while later, in John 18:15, it says that Simon Peter was confronted by a slave-girl who asked him if he was a disciple of Christ. Not being with all the other disciples, Simon Peter's faith wavered and he denied any affiliation with his savior. In fact, he denies Christ two more times before he realized his foolishness and repented. The man who was bold enough to cut a man's ear off is quickly reduced to a quivering baby when confronted by a slave-girl's simple inquiry.
Accountability is an essential tool in the Christian life. We cannot trek through life's ups and downs on our own. We must seek out other brothers and sisters in Christ that will be unafraid to keep us accountable to our actions. Besides, "where two or three have gathered together in My name, I am there in their midst."—Matthew 18:20

Part 2

1. Sex is everywhere we look. Why does sex play such a pivotal role in society?

Sex is pleasurable. It is a gift from God for a husband and wife to reproduce, enjoy, and express their love for one another and their Creator. It is one of the original blessed gifts that God gave humanity. We are all sexual beings that have an innate hunger for the unique connection and pleasure it can provide. But, as with everything else, when sin entered the world, sex was corrupted and misconstrued. It is attractive still, as it was before, but it is now abused. Sex is used to sell products (every axe commercial has girls convulsing with passion and lust at the mere scent of a spray.) Sex is used for physical pleasure (the porn industry makes more money in a year than the MLB, NBA, and NFL combined!) Sex is everywhere (even on the Disney Channel), and it will always be that way. This is why it is so important to learn how to live a life of sexual integrity.

2. Can there really be such a thing as casual, emotionally uninvolved sex?

No. God created sex for marriage; it is designed to be an intense and emotional bonding experience. When a couple engages in sex they are connecting with each other on every level (physical, intellectual, emotional, social, and spiritual). People abuse sexuality and think that it won't harm them because it is just physical pleasure, but they are wrong every time. In fact our bodies even release chemicals called oxytocin and vasopressin within the brain when we become stimulated, and these chemicals actually bond us to the source of the sexual stimulation. God created this connection as a supporter for the marriage bond, but when it is abused outside of marriage, that chemical bonding loses its effectiveness and can harm a person's ability to achieve the type of meaningful relationship God has created us to experience. There will always be negative consequences you will have to deal with if you engage in sexual activity outside of the boundary of marriage.

3. Sex affects all of who we are (physical, intellectual, emotional, social, and spiritual). Why do you think sex involves and affects all of who we are, and not just the physical?

Sex feels good. It is one of the most pleasurable experiences one can experience on his or her time on this earth, and it was created to be that way. God created sex, and all He created was good. Unfortunately sin entered the world and humanity has thus perverted and manipulated sex into something that it isn't.

When you watch a movie where a couple engages in sex, they usually only show the physical pleasures involved. James Bond has never had to a doctor to get tested for STDs. He never got told by one of his love interests that he now has the license to be a baby daddy. In fact, the movies always end with him holding the beautiful girl in his naked arms, offering a sort of promise to the audiences that they will live happily ever after. But, then the next Bond movie comes out and that girl is long gone and he is now seducing another blonde. No physical consequences. That isn't a depiction of real sexuality.
Real sexuality, the sex that God has created, is a religious experience. It is a gift from God for a husband and wife to reproduce, enjoy, and express their love for one another and their Creator. It is a deep and meaningful act that affects us on all these levels. The bible paints the relationship between a groom and bride the same as that between the Church and Christ. Our lives are to be offerings or worship to our Creator. This means that when we worship our God, we give Him all that we are. The same goes for when a man and woman have sex with one another. They are giving their all, whether they realize this or not. Sexuality provides us with much more than a simple and shallow physical connection.

4. Why is it so easy to get caught up in only the physical aspect of sex?

Humanity is always wrapped up in the physical. How many times did God or one of His prophets scold groups of people for their worshipping of idols? Sometimes they would even run to idols they could see and touch right after the real God Almighty would deliver them from bondage with great and wondrous miracles. Our sinful nature strives to get us to focus our eyes and energy on what feels good or looks good right here and now. Sex does provide an extremely gratifying feeling, but that feeling is short lived, and then all you are left with are the consequences. This is why so many people that have sex outside of marriage do it often. They do this so they can keep the high going without having to face the reality of their condition.
As Christians, we are called to look beyond the momentary pleasures the world provides. We are called to die to ourselves and put to death the desires of our flesh. So, that means that we might have to pass up opportunities of enjoyment in the moment in order to experience much greater joy later. God has our best interest at heart, so if we listen to His word and directions He will provide better for us than we could provide on our own.

5. Say you have a significant other that you really like, or even love. You naturally want to show your affection to that person, right? But how far is too far?

This is a question that is most student's favorite to ask, because we as humans want to be able to indulge in the flesh as much as possible without sinning. In other words, we want to get as close to the line as we can without crossing it. So can we kiss? If we can kiss, can we add some wetness to those kisses? Can we French kiss? Make out? Touch? Is there anything "wrong with a little bit of bump and grind? Where do we draw the line?
It is important to remember that there are no strict rules concerning any of this in God's word, but there are plenty of hints; most notably the whole deal about not having even a hint of sexual immorality within us. Sex, again, is anything that stimulates us sexually. So can kissing be sexual? The answer is most definitely yes. It is really hard to not passionately show your special someone how much you care for him/her, but it is important to protect your purity, and even more importantly, your partners. So don't dance on the line of right and wrong, be wise and keep some distance from blame.

Part 3

1. What is the point of dating if you aren't looking for a husband or wife? Why date if you aren't going to have sex?

There is a lot in God's word concerning friendships and marriage, but you would be hard-pressed to find much on the relationship in between. So again, we have to go by what we can gather from God's word and other's experiences. There is nothing inherently wrong with dating. You get to know the other person in a deeper and more meaningful way, learn how to handle and treat the opposite sex, and ultimately prepare yourself for marriage. The problems arise when people begin dating at an early age and find themselves, as Paul calls it in I Corinthians 7, "burning with passion." When you get to the point where you like or love the person so much that you desire to "be with" that person, you need to put a ring on that finger and make it official.
Therefore, it is best to hold of on exclusive or one-on-one dating until you are at a point in your life where you can be ok if you find yourself needing to get married because you can't keep your hands off your boy or girlfriend. In the meantime, group date. When you do this you can learn the same things you learn in exclusive dating, but in a less hostile environment. There are no pressures and you don't have to worry about regret or a broken heart. In the end, though, there are no black and white rules when it comes to dating. You need to do what you know is best for you and your good standing with Christ.

2. What does it take in order to experience a healthy dating relationship that leads to a healthy marriage?

It is important; when you find yourself dating a girl or boy you could see yourself marrying, to build a strong and meaningful relationship with a firm foundation. Many relationships lose focus on building a foundation of values and commitment, and instead fill time with physical satisfaction (if a couple is already making out routinely, the next time they are alone on a date, what are they going to do? Chances are, they will not be talking about their future wants, desires, feelings, ect.) The values that need to be built in a relationship are: fun, common interests, caring, unselfishness, dependability, communication, dependability, trust, honesty, loyalty, and respect. Additionally, it wouldn't hurt to add in the fruits of the spirit: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control.
Once you have a relationship that is built on all of these values (and this does not mean your relationship has to be perfect and harmonious), you're ready to add in the commitment that comes with the covenant of marriage. These values will act as the glue in the relationship, meaning that when your marriage hits rocky times and you find you and your spouse arguing about finances or whose turn it is to wash the dishes, your relationship will remain strong. You can work through any problem this fallen world throws at you. You can work through it together.

3. What do you think are some reasons so many marriages end in divorce these days?

There is no one reason people get divorces, but there are two things that is often at the root of the problem. Marriages often end when they lack a foundation built on God, the values we discussed earlier, and commitment. Many relationships, these days, are founded upon physicality. Both people say, "Hey, you're hot! Let's date!" Then they rush into physical behavior with one another. It might start off as harmless pecks on the lips, but before long their car windows are fogging up as they passionately suck face. The relationship remains shallow and focused mainly on the physical enjoyment of each other's company. Before long, they get married and go off on a passionate honeymoon. The problem is, the honeymoon has to end, and then what?
When the passion dies down a bit, or the couple finds themselves in a rocky situation, all they have to lean upon is their sex. Problem is, husbands and wives don't always feel frisky when they are upset with their significant other. These couples often find themselves drifting apart and cheating on each other, not only by extramarital sex, but there is also emotional infidelity. The couple becomes selfish and reflects it through what they spend their time doing and how they treat one another. Eventually they both have had enough and they call it quits.
It is sad, but this happens way to often. If more married couples made Christ the center of their relationship, they loved their spouse by dying to themselves and putting the other one first, and built lasting values with one another, then the divorce rate in this country would drop significantly. God created sex and physical pleasure as something to support the marriage relationship, and not as a foundation on it's own.

4. What is love and what does it have to do with sex? After all, sex is called making love for a reason, right?

First off, to borrow from the wise C. S. Lewis, there are four different types of love. There is affection, friendship, romance, and unconditional love. When an unmarried couple engage in sexual activity, they are usually just experiencing the romantic or erotic form of love. When a couple just begins to date and get to a point where they are just completely wrapped up in spending time with and learning about their significant other, they are usually experiencing the affection and friendship forms of love. Unconditional love is the love that God has for us, and parents have for their children. It is love that is everlasting despite circumstance. When a healthy and committed married couple engages in sexual activity, they get to experience all four of these loves at once in an explosion of ecstasy and fulfillment.

I think the best examples of how we are to love our girlfriend or boyfriend, husband and wife, come from God's word. John 15:13 tells us what the greatest love is. "Greater love has no one than this, that one lay down his life for his friends." Sacrificial and selfless love is what we are called to demonstrate in our lives as Christ followers. Christ died for our sins, and we are all to follow in His footsteps by dying to ourselves daily and "do nothing from selfishness or empty conceit, but with humility of mind regard one another as more important than yourselves." (Philippians 2:3) Just think what marriages would look like if husbands kept this in mind when loving their wives. Would there be such a high divorce rate if wives clung to this wisdom and demonstrated it to their husbands. Would guys and girls be manipulating their girlfriends or boyfriends into providing sexual favors? I guarantee this world would be radically different.

5. Has your concept of sex changed through this? How?